I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
