maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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