What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
