But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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