When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
