a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my phone needs a breathalizer
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I got inside last night via doggy door
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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