One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
