if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
