my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The uberlube is also flammable
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
