Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
