why didn't you poke me back
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
