it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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