you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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