So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
