If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
