i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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