Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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