You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
