Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize