I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
