I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
