Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
