For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
