Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
