Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
