My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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