So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
