Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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