literally had 100 drinks last night.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
