my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Barsexuality is the new black.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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