I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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