1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i want to swaddle you in tequila
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
