She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
