it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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