Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Dear god my vagina.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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