if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
