Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
