Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
