Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
