she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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