Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it's like heaven, but drunker
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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