so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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