I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
