I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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