That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
