Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
