Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We are two peas in an std pod
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
