I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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