If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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