i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
